Marriage365 members. You inspire us with your bravery and vulnerability every single day. Each and every one of you is making this world a better place and we’re so glad we’re on this journey of self-discovery with you all. Copyright © 2020 by Casey and Meygan Caston All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the authors. Illustration and Design: Sel Thomson Typesetting: Melanie Etemadi Back Cover Photography: Haylee Forster ISBN 978-1-7324358-6-5 Published in 2020 by Marriage365 Media Group
Introduction .............................................. 09 Feeling Triggered? ...................................... 22 January ....................................................... 27 February ..................................................... 41 March ......................................................... 53 April ............................................................ 67 May ............................................................ 79 June ........................................................... 93 July ........................................................... 105 August ....................................................... 119 September ................................................. 133 October .................................................... 145 November ................................................. 159 December .................................................. 171 Feelings Words List ................................ 185 Index ......................................................... 189 About Marriage365 .................................. 195
WHERE TO USE THIS BOOK By Date For each day of the year, there is one question. Turn to the date of the year and begin your self-discovery journey. You don’t need to start on January 1st. Any day is great to start. Some people like to commit to one question a day while others prefer to binge several questions in one sitting. • • • • • • By Topic If there is a specific area you want to focus on, pick a question by topic using the index (pg. 189) that can be found in the back of the book. If you’ve had a difficult day, we recommend choosing a question from the JUST FOR FUN category. • 6 - 365 S E L F - D I S COV E RY Q U E S T I O N S A book club At your workplace In therapy sessions With a small group of friends As a conversation starter with your partner For parents - with your teenage or adult children A daily check-in with yourself 7 - 365 S E L F - D I S COV E RY Q U E S T I O N S
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confidence in our lives, but it seems like we are too busy these days to stop and check in with ourselves. We are overwhelmed with demanding work commitments, kids’ sport schedules, 24-hour news coverage, the time suck of video games, friends’ parties to go to, the latest bingeworthy Netflix show, not to mention the family gatherings and house projects. For most of us, we wake up checking our phone, move through the day, and fall asleep scrolling through social media’s endless feeds. These are activities that crowd out our time that allow us to bounce from one distraction to another, and it’s killing us. Like a cat with a laser pointer, we chase after the next shiny object that will busy our time. We’ve lost the art of reflection, gratitude, and awareness. Let’s do a quick exercise to help you reflect, be grateful, and become even more self-aware. First, I want you to take a deep breath and then close your eyes so you can pay attention to what’s around you. (Ok, you can peek to read ahead first). Now, bring what you hear to the front of your mind. Is it leaves rustling, music playing, or the not-sofaint noises of children playing in the house? Open your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths. Look around you. What do you see? Is there something that catches your eye that you are grateful for? Now, think about your last interaction with another person. Was it something you are proud of where you both listened and engaged with 10 - 365 S E L F - D I S COV E RY Q U E S T I O N S mutual respect? Or were there hurt feelings and emotional disconnection? There... that was easy. That took maybe a few minutes or less, but you centered yourself, quieted your mind and moved closer to being proactive in your life, rather than reactive. The journey of becoming self-aware is the process of self-discovery and that starts by asking great questions of yourself. Self-aware people carry themselves with confidence because they’ve taken the time to explore who they are and how they want to be known (that is, self-discovery). These people have done the hard work of asking themselves tough questions. They have courageously confronted the lies that they have told themselves like, “I’m not good enough,” or “Why try if I’m going to fail?” or “I’m just not smart enough.” They’ve overcome the inevitable childhood baggage and the fears that hold them back. Because of their hard work, these brave souls make a tremendous impact in the lives of those around them. Insecure and hurting people, on the other hand, often react to life’s peaks and valleys as each moment comes, rarely 11 - 365 S E L F - D I S COV E RY Q U E S T I O N S
from introspection and avoid dealing with interpersonal conflict for fear that their emotional shallowness could be revealed. Their life is marked by selfishness and emotional laziness because they are too afraid to turn on the lights and expose the fears that have held them back for so long. Sorry (not sorry) if that sounds harsh, but at the core, it’s true. HERE’S HOW SELF-DISCOVERY BEGAN IN OUR LIFE Early in our marriage, we got into a huge fight about being on time versus being late. We were both angry, hurt, and filled with pride, which meant days of giving each other the silent treatment. Who would break the silence first? Who would apologize first? We finally agreed that we needed to see a counselor since we couldn’t even be in the same room without wanting to say hateful and hurtful comments. We sat down on our new counselor’s couch feeling nervous and a little excited because both of us were hoping that the neutral party sitting across from us would call the other one out. But what she said rocked our worlds. “So Meygan, can you explain to Casey why being on time is so important to you, where that energy 12 - 365 S E L F - D I S COV E RY Q U E S T I O N S comes from, and how it makes you feel when he’s late? And Casey, after Meygan shares, I will be asking you the same question, but I want to know how it makes you feel when she gets upset with you for being late.” Her questions made us both stop and really think about why we cared so much about this fight about being on time versus late. Here were our responses... Meygan: Growing up, my parents were always on time, which is a sign of respect when someone is counting on you. Trust is one of my core values and how do I trust someone who I can’t rely on? Casey: My home life was chaos. As an only child raised by a working single mom, I was often in day care. There were times I was the last one to be picked up or dropped off late and I had to get over it. Things happen and I think you should make your best effort to try and be on time, but there are bigger problems in the world to worry about. As we processed where our value systems came from, we noticed that Meygan’s frustration came from one of her core values being challenged. For Meygan, something as simple as Casey being late caused her to feel like he didn’t respect her and that she couldn’t rely on him, breaking the trust they had built. And for Casey, he felt frustrated because it was unfair that Meygan’s negative reaction to a 13 - 365 S E L F - D I S COV E RY Q U E S T I O N S
had together. His value of spending time together and building connection, stemming from abandonment wounds, was more important than promptness. In this one instance, we discovered that rarely is one of us right and the other one wrong, we’re just different people with differing views that both stem from our childhood and life experiences. Our counselor helped us start the journey of selfdiscovery by asking us great questions: what we felt, why we felt it, where those feelings came from, and how we responded to life when things didn’t go our way. It’s this journey that we are still on and now invite you into. This book will help move you away from your insecurities into a place of confidence because of your willingness to become self-aware. We want you to dig deep--what you put in is what you get out. We’ve marked the journey for you with questions, but it’s up to you to find time to take the journey. It’s funny because we still occasionally argue about being on time and being late, but at least we know why it’s an issue. Our goal is that you would recognize that you have room for improvement because individuals who practice self-discovery are more aware, and selfaware people tend to be healthier friends, co-workers, parents, spouses, and siblings. 14 - 365 S E L F - D I S COV E RY Q U E S T I O N S WHAT IS SELF-DISCOVERY AND WHY IS IT IMPORTANT? Personal development has been a growing trend for many years. More and more people are actively looking for ways to improve their lives by having a better understanding of who they are. Many people listen to podcasts, read books, take online personality assessments, attend retreats, or go to therapy so that they can become the best version of themselves. The self-discovery journey will help you uncover your passions and guide you to identify your motivations and drive. A life void of your passions and strengths is a life without fun, joy, and fulfillment. You will get to dream about what you want your future to be like and turn your desires into real-life stories. A huge part of personal growth is self-discovery and we believe that it’s a lifelong journey of exploring your thoughts, feelings, dreams, concerns, trauma, past experiences, responses, and personality. It’s getting you to know yourself better, on a more intimate level. We are always changing and evolving which means that we need to be constant learners of ourselves, requiring us to be more aware. 15 - 365 S E L F - D I S COV E RY Q U E S T I O N S
you need and desire in relationships with your friends and family. With these questions, you will learn which people bring out the best in you and which bring out the worst. You will begin to recognize which behaviors make you feel insecure and which make you feel empowered. You will discover how to evaluate your expectations of others and what you want your relationships to look like moving forward. Practicing self-discovery will help you feel more confident with and around the people you come across every day. Self-discovery gives you a chance to heal from past traumas and experiences that you’ve been holding onto. Life dishes up many hardships like illness, death, abandonment, and heartbreak. Every one of those hurts becomes personal. While shining light on your past can be very emotionally draining, it also starts the process of forgiveness and healing, which you both need and deserve. WHY DO SO MANY STRUGGLE WITH SELF-DISCOVERY? The biggeset hurdle is time. We move at such a pace where our schedules are filled to the brim, leaving no room for self-care. Many people move through the motions of 16 - 365 S E L F - D I S COV E RY Q U E S T I O N S everyday life without ever stopping to check in with themselves to see what’s working or how they’re feeling. Another common thing that gets in the way of selfdiscovery is fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of realizing that you’re in a toxic relationship. There’s fear of having to change unhealthy behaviors and fear of going back to painful memories. There’s fear of disappointment and fear of failure. There’s fear of exposing your actions and choices from the past and there’s fear of shedding light on your thoughts that you feel shame around. And lastly, oftentimes people have a desire to become more aware but don’t have the tools, resources, or support that they need. This is exactly why we wrote this book and are so glad you picked up a copy. You’re putting aside your fears, taking the time, and now have a practical tool to help guide you on this journey of self-discovery. OUR TOP TIPS FOR MAKING THE MOST OF THIS BOOK Tip #1 There are no right or wrong answers. With 7 billion people in this world, we’re all uniquely made with different upbringings and personalities and there’s no shame in 17 - 365 S E L F - D I S COV E RY Q U E S T I O N S
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